“Ummm” As a one year old I was back at baby sounds, pointing a finger at the milk that I wanted. I had “unlearned” the few words that I was already pronouncing: mama, papa, milk. What had happened was that my mother had “suddenly disappeared” from my sight. She had gone to the hospital as she was giving birth to my baby brother. Then, after she returned, her attention was not focused on me as it was before…
To a greater or lesser degree we have all experienced small or large emotional wounds. They may be conscious or unconscious. The experience that I have just related may have left negligible consequences. However, years later, as a child, I experienced two years of bullying at school. There were many tears and eventually much hatred in my heart. I hated those boys from the depths of my heart. Then my family moved. I attended a different school and I never suffered bullying anymore. The interesting thing is that it was at that time, at the age of ten, that I began reading a collection of Bible stories for children. I would read a small story every day after school, just before I would start working on my homework. I did this for about five years. I did not know it at the time, but the process of healing had begun…
As I look back at those experiences, I can see, with the eyes of faith, how God allowed the good, the bad and the ugly. He allowed the pain so that I would seek him. As a ten year old I did not like myself, I hated those kids and I was feeling miserable. I wanted to be a better boy, a better son, a better student. I was finding the answer with those Bible stories. One of my favorite passages was Mat. 25:31-46, when the Son of Man comes in his glory and separates the sheep from the goats. I wanted to be a sheep with all my strength.
Healing wounds is a process and it can take years. However, we can accelerate the process through the activation of our faith. I remember years later, in the seminary, that for months, my morning meditation had one focus: This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us first and sent his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. 1 Jn 4:10. I have experienced much healing through the “appreciation” of what God has done in my life. He gave me loving parents, he gave me a very good education, he gave me a beautiful family, he gave me a taste of heaven when I was 17, etc. This requires that we see the good behind every trial, every pain, every difficulty. We learn to live what some of the masters in spirituality call the passive Abandonment to Divine Providence.
Still, we may be suffering the consequences of those wounds as they have long term impact. We create coping mechanisms, we become attached to these support structures with the evident negative effects on our psyche. I too had to experience some of this in my life. My obsession with achievement, while rewarding from a certain point of view, was also destructive from another point of view. And here comes the big challenge. Can I let go? Can I trust in God so much that I will let go of my own defense mechanisms? Only when we have “experienced” his loving hands again and again can we eventually let go. This is what faith does when again and again we have read our lives from the prism of God’s love.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rm 8:35-39.
Detachment from these defense mechanisms is not easy. We are so attached to them! We are afraid to take the step. Faith gives us the possibility to grow in trust. It is a full circle operation. As we have faith enough to see the hand of God in our lives, we make the experience of his love for us. The more we experience his love the more we will heal our wounds. The more we heal, the more we will trust. The more we trust in God, the more our faith grows. Ultimately we will be able to significantly let go of these defense mechanisms and experience an immense inner peace and joy as a normal way of life.
We will continue talking about the purification of our affections, about the active abandonment to the Divine Providence in our next insight.
Questions for pondering:
- Do you still have unresolved issues from your past? Can you identify them?
- Can you see any good coming out of them? If you are seeking God, can you trace your thirst for him to that suffering?
- Have you been able to experience God’s love in your life in a significant way? How can you appreciate better all the blessings you have received?
Fr Lino Otero, LC: Originally from Nicaragua, my family moved to Miami, Florida when I was a teenager. Soon afterwards I experienced the call to serve God without reservations. Since then, I have had experience in hospital ministry, working as a middle school teacher, leading a parish school, organizing soccer tournaments for kids, starting a radio station, training priests in leadership formation, organizing a parish community from maintenance to mission, and much more. I love spiritual direction and preaching. Years of philosophy, psychology and theological training have enriched my personal life and have shaped my message of hope. For more go to linootero.me
